Excerpt From Sparkledick

This is a brief excerpt from my novel in progress, tentatively titled Sparkledick.  This excerpt does not explain the title at all.

One place I will not stop at. I’ve already passed a few today and no matter how desperate, I’ll keep driving right on by even if they were the last barrier in the road before a ten thousand foot drop.

I’d take the plunge. I’d take the leap. I’d take one last adrenaline rush before being pulverized instead of stopping at Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.

I’ve never stepped foot inside one. They freak me the fuck out. Dozens of them are hiding in plain sight. They’re all over town. They’re not like other junk food joints, clustered into oases of diabetes, diarrhea, and Diet Coke.

Yoshinoyas run alone.

They’re always lit up by fluorescent bitterness and people are sitting at the window tables, props or lobotomized stand-ins probably, instructed to lure in unsuspicious victims.

Nobody I know has ever been to a Yoshinoya Beef Bowl. I’ve never seen a commercial for it. That’s suspicious. Nothing can exist without advertising, without boasting, without sending a message, without being on TV. And that General Lee logo…

And don’t start with In’n’Out. They’re the exception to the rule. And they’re mormons or whatever. Everybody has been to In’n’Out, nothing fishy is going on there. Unless they’re fucking with our minds too. Maybe we’re just collateral damage amidst a subliminal fast food war raging.

Anyway, Yoshinoya is an enigma.

“Let’s have Yoshinoya.” Says nobody ever. “I’m hurting for a bowl of beef at the Y-B-B.”


Yet they’re everywhere. They’ve got to be a front for something horrendous.

Maybe they’re covert recruiting stations for the soldiers of eradication. Maybe they’re hosting secret torture chambers one thousand leagues under each Bowl. Maybe they’re the first phase of an alien invasion. Maybe they’re giving away free anal probes as distractions. Maybe they’re launchpads for unimaginable weapons that will cause our extinction. Maybe we deserve it.

Who knows? Maybe I’m just starting to be really good and fucked up or maybe I don’t know enough Asian people. That’s a generalization. But whatever.